This season of my life has been tough...challenging...heavy...
Grief is a strange beast. That immediate grief right after your loved one passes is all-consuming, physically-weakening. Then you pick up your life and go through the motions. Things begin to take on a sense of normalcy. You get up, take care of the kids and the house. You do your errands, meet with friends, and find yourself laughing.
Then that punch in the gut comes. It can be a thought that invades your mind, an object or event that triggers a memory, or even just a random moment. This is when it's hard. Months have passed and people have moved on from your grief...only you haven't.
I'm thankful for an understanding husband and a loving family. But even amidst all the pain and flashbacks, there is the guilt. You know, where you think you should be over this, that the tears are silly, that you are inconveniencing and burdening others who just want you to be back to normal.
But there is no more normal. That's the tricky part. In my case, I'll never be able to call my mom and ask her advise about one of the kids. I'll never shop with her again and ask what she thinks of a fashion risk (so please tell me if I am braving something that is just not working...lol!). She's not here to share in my joy of finally being a stay at home mommy to my babies. She's not here to share the trials and the celebrations.
We often toss around the idea of adding #5 to our crazy crew (I know, INSANE!!!) and all I think is how I'm not going to be able to call and announce it to her. It would be a grandchild she won't meet on this side of Heaven. Grandchildren...the one thing she longed for the most...and enjoyed for too short a time.
This whole grief thing pretty much sucks. But if you ask me, I'll smile and tell you we are doing okay...because that's what you do. Not what you feel but what is expected.
And with that, I'm going back to normalcy...a glass of wine, a majorly clogged toilet, and a coughing asthma boy. It's all fun and games at the House of Sprout tonight!!!!